Parts 1-3 are here. As well as below, because I'm not cruel. I did notice that Part 3 is written 1st person, while the rest is 3rd person. I chose to stick with 3rd person, since that was the majority.
In Too Deep
Jim
Franklin’s original:
The
plunge into the ice-cold water hit Derry like an avalanche. A fading knowledge
of the film Predator had informed him to lower his body
temperature so that the alien wouldn’t see him. Though he hadn’t realised how
cold the water would be, how the flow of the water would drag him away from the
bank, or how his thick woolen coat and boots would become the rocks that pulled
him down.
It’s
worth noting at this point that in Predator, the hero was a
hardened military veteran with experience in guerrilla warfare, while Derry
worked in the Accounts department for a large national fish exporter, and the
most alien thing he had encountered in his life so far was the perpetual lack
of sticky notes in his office. Being woefully terrible at making quick
decisions, preferring an hour or two to mull over every eventuality, also goes
some way to explain his poor choice of hiding place.
His
limbs stiff, his breathing now wheezy gulps, and his head now spent more time
underwater as his legs struggled to move. Derry panicked, with a thought that
he didn’t have hours to mull this over…. he was going to die.
Part
2, Lynna Landstreet’s continuation:
As
he floundered, the creature loomed over the water’s edge, staring down at him —
so much for the hope that it wouldn’t see him! It raised some sort of
complicated device to its — those were its eyes, weren’t they?
Undoubtedly a weapon of some sort, and he found himself wondering which would
be worse: drowning, freezing to death, being vaporized, or being eaten. But no
laser bolt came, just a light that illuminated his sodden head as the creature
peered through some sort of lens. The hell –? Was that some kind
of camera?
The
thing opened its terrifying maw, and let out a sound somewhat like a cow being
fed through a woodchipper. Or at least what Derry imagined that might sound
like, not that he’d ever needed to before now. Then it made some adjustments to
a device affixed to its throat, and a strange mechanical voice accompanied the
bellowing: “Good evening. I observe that you have placed yourself in a
context|challenge|predicament causing respiratory and circulatory distress. May
I inquire as to the significance of this act among your tribe|culture|species?
Are you attempting to terminate your existence, or this is an artistic
performance|athletic event|mating display?”
Part 3, H. Petterson’s
continuation:
I
broke the surface of the freezing water and gasped loudly. After grabbing a
half of a lungful of air I retched out the other half lungful of water I had
ingested under water. I looked at the creature as I crawled to the bank.
“I
didn’t understand/comprehend/grasp what you just said.” He tilted his head at
me and I said slowly.
“What
do you want….why are you chasing me?” I steadied myself and stayed in a sitting
position, although still freezing it was better than the ice cold water.
“I
need/require/want information from you….are you familiar with this continent?”
Its translator took on a softer feminine tone. As I looked at its attire I
guessed it to be female.
“I…I
live a mile away….what are you doing here?” I slowly stood up and wrung the
water from my hair and wiped my face with a soaking jacket sleeve.
“I
mean/present/offer you no harm….I…We are lost.” It looked up to the sky and
seemed to be visually charting the early night’s stars. I was tempted to run,
but knew it would catch me pretty instantly in my exhausted condition.
“We
are crusaders from the Freeman sector and need/require/beg your
help…unfortunately.”
My continuation:
Derry gulped, and thought resentfully that the creature
needn’t have been so dubious about his ability to help. He’d been voted Most Valuable Employee in the
company’s accounting department three years in a row. He was good
at what he did.
What he did had nothing to do with helping lost aliens find
their way home.
“Um, where exactly did you need to go?” Derry’s teeth were starting to chatter and
his clothes were stiffening with frost.
“It is unclear/difficult/challenging. . . .”
Derry made a quick decision.
He couldn’t escape the thing, and he had to get home and get into warm,
dry clothes. “Come with me,” he said. They made a curious pair, trudging through
the snow back to Derry’s house. The
creature—she?—kept asking him about landforms he knew nothing about. He put it—her—off with promises.
He just had to make it home before he froze to death. He would
deal with the alien later. He had a good
collection of Triple-A maps. Surely something
would do the job. With a sigh of relief,
Derry staggered in the back door, pausing only to push the thermostat up to 80
before racing for a hot shower.
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Okay --someone else gets to finish this off in 200 more words!
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Weird.. but I like the slant you've taken!
ReplyDeleteGiven the crowd around Wendig's blog, it wasn't easy finding a story at this point that was still even PG 13!
ReplyDelete